Lets have several moments of silence for the 20 year “friendship” that I had to end over the 4th weekend.
It was definitely something that needed to be done because like a silly goose, I fell in love with him. Yeah yeah! I fell in love with an unattainable person. It wasn’t so difficult in theory, but when you know it will never get anywhere then it’s time to ride. Our roles have reversed. He wanted me in our teens and now as an adult I crave for his attention. Life is funny, ain’t it? NOT!!! Throughout the years, he has always been there but among the rest. Within those said years, the numbers changed but he was still within those numbers. As I got older and the numbers diminished, he was still there to be counted. Through natural progression I saw with clear mature eyes that he was actually the one. He was there the whole time. I saw him then, but he is all I see now. If I had to do it all over again, I would. Why? I am not the same person that I once was. Of course, I am the “same” person but with more positive maneuvers. Like, anything you didn’t see when I was younger you see more of now. There is more of a balance in everything I do. So, I wouldn’t change a thing because I found myself in the process. I found what I can tolerate. I found what I can live with and live without. I accepted myself for who I was and not for what someone else wanted me to be. I had to live through my own eyes in order to truly see.
As I was finding myself, I found love right where I left it…next to me. Unfortunately, he no longer feels the same way (all LIES). He just said 3 years ago at my sister’s wedding that he still had feelings for me. You know how I know? He told my friend who came to the wedding. Did you think that information wasn’t going to get back to me? 17 years later, you still carrying that torch and when I profess my love it all faded away in a flash. Really? So, after numerous attempts at telling him how I felt, it was time to let go and let God. *I even went old school with it and sent him a HANDWRITTEN letter (front & back) while he was living in another state. I took the time and effort to do that. Who does that anymore? I think I should get double kudos & a date for that alone – LOL. IJS!!!*.
We got to the park and I told him that this was the last time that he was going to see me. He said, “forever”? I said, “Yes”! He asked, “Why”? I said, “You know how I feel about you & it has intensified over the last several years. So, it is better that I remove myself from a situation that will not bloom. I think I’ve pined away enough”. I created all kinds of instances in my mind of our fantasized encounters with each having a happy ending – Ha. He had the audacity to say, “I reject what you are saying to me. We will still continue to talk. We have known each other too long and I am not letting you go. People have come & go in our lives and it is still you & I. I reject what you are saying.” How can you fight something that is going to happen? How can you rebuke my request if you are not going to give me what I ask for, which is your heart? How? If you truly love me and were truly my friend, then accept what is being said & move forward. I deleted him from FB & he requested my friendship the next day. Why would you want them to continue to torture themselves? Are you that selfish? I am tired of the charade. I want to act how I feel & not hold it in because we are not in that circle. These are one of those moments that is not so hilarious in the day & life of a city native. These are those days you wish you could erase from your mental Rolodex, like a Men in Black moment.
It has been a few days, but the hurt has lessened some. So, now I’ve been told to dig deep into my work and friends and allow the pain to subside to nonexistence. I did have to have a day of Maxwell & Sade. Yeah Yeah! Super girly, I know. Ha! I guess I would’ve felt better if we had tried and said, “we better off as friends”. Then, I can move on with the greatest of ease. The not knowing is part of the grieving process. I think that it is what is killing me the most – his not trying. Some people may say at least you have him as a friend, but you know what I say? Whateva! I don’t want 1/2 of him. Can you watch him with another girl as you envision yourself in her spot? Can you see him marry another person? Can you hear about him having kids? Ummm…..I’ll pass!
Recommendation: Say what you feel. Have no regrets. Take Risks. Pray. Let go and let God. Never settle for anything less than the best (for you).
OMG!!! Feels like I wrote a book – LOL