I took a long walk today and watched all the beautiful things that the Lord created. As I made each step to my destination, the lines on the leaves were crisper, color of the sky was bluer, & the everyday sounds sounded cleaner. My thoughts were random in flow. There was nothing weighing heavy on me until that one thought popped into my head – him. I had went a long time (well a few hours) not thinking of him. It’s those moments that make it clear to me that how I feel for him is not only real but certain. Some may ask, why do you feel the way you feel about him? Honestly, I cannot tell them why. It’s just him. I cannot put my finger on it. I cannot properly articulate what makes me feel what I feel even in thought of him. It is what it is. All I can say is that God led me to him. It has been building since I was younger. He wanted me as a teen and now I want him as an adult. I’ve walked my life down a particular path & what it brought me was to this point in my life. It’s filled with certainty, realism, understanding, reality, appreciation, acceptance, love, honesty, & the desire for more. As a child, you never fully understand who you are or what you need. Whether he ever becomes mine or not, I know that the path I chose I wouldn’t detour if asked to do it again. Some people never get to know themselves & if they did, then they are afraid others know too. If it’s the truth, then accept it because its true & move forward. If it’s false, then you correct it, & move forward.
At this point, I can actually say I have truly loved someone for who he is. I can stand there & know I would’ve loved him unconditionally regardless of his flaws. Can you say that? I hope so. Now, if he pees on the toilet seat or drinks out the juice container then all bets are off – LOL. Just kidding. 🙂 It’s so friggin’ freeing to let go & be free. Free from fear. Free from confusion. Free from being misunderstood. Free from never letting go. It’s a process, a tough process. If you are willing to completely free yourself then you have to do the toughest job yet: critique yourself & accept your own answers of you. Anyone in your life who is meant to be in your life will accept you, flaws & all (like Beyonce said – Ha). That’s the rush I’m looking for. To find the one that will love me regardless of my goofiness, stubbornness, Alpha-female moments, sensitive moments, & the need for “my time”. We will never be perfect no matter how much we sell what’s on the surface. Once I embraced who I was & what I could do, then there was nothing anyone could ever tell me that could make me feel embarrassed, ashamed, or scared. I know who I am & what I want.
I know it will take a lot of time to rid my mind of him, but it will happen. I will meet that one that fills me up & keeps pouring *smile* & he will let me do the same for him. That walk today would’ve been sweeter with a partner alongside me like Jill Scott. All that sharing she was mentioning in that song is what’s on the menu. I’m ready to order. Now, I need to chef to tell me when it’s ready for pick up.